


The Art of Making It Through the Rain

by Freerangeegghead



Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cancelled too soon, Canon Continuation, Don'tcopy, F/F, Family Feels, Family Secrets, Friends to Lovers, Girls with Guns, Girlswillbegirls, Good Writing, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Love, Post-Season/Series Finale, Romance, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Well-Written, Weneedmoreserieslikethis, Women Being Awesome, relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:40:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27797098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freerangeegghead/pseuds/Freerangeegghead
Summary: In which Sterling has to deal with pain, loss and heartbreak following the revelations from her mother. Will she ever be able to come to terms with the lies and betrayal? Or will she forever remain apart from her family? Lost and alone?
Relationships: April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Comments: 5
Kudos: 39





	1. Growing Pains

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: Rated T ~ M. Mature. Themes. Angst.
> 
> Pairing:Sterling Wesley/ April Stevens
> 
> Warnings/Spoilers: Femslash. Post-canon/canon continuation. Mentions of canon. Violence. Spoilers for series. 
> 
> Genre: General. Angst. Action. Adventure.
> 
> Disclaimer: Nothing owned, nothing gained, prose all mine though. Give credit where credit is due though. (Please don't download and upload again and pass it off as your own.)
> 
> Why: Because it got cancelled. And now we'll never know. Wondered what S2 was going to be like...
> 
> Author’s note: Unbeta'ed. Mistakes mine. Think of it as kind of the season 2 nobody asked for (and no, haven't really read the other ff on this series).

Blair makes her way to Sterling room's.  
It's been days since she and Sterling had found out about their mom and Aunt Dana, days since they found out Sterling isn't really Blair's twin sister, days since their mother and father had tried to talk to Sterling and Blair.

It has been days since Sterling had locked herself in her room, days since she's refused to come out, days since she's refused to go to school, days since she's refused to see or talk to anyone, even Blair. But Blair isn't even her twin anymore. 

After the police and arrested Aunt Dana and Levi, Sterling had stood there, frozen, unable to move, speechless, too shocked to say anything. Blair could see the confusion, the pain, the shock, the betrayal, on her face, could see her eyes, always so expressive, turn bleary and wet, a well of unshed tears welling up. She'd tried to reach out for Sterling's hands, cold and clammy against hers, but Sterling had taken a step back, had looked at Debbie, and asked, still in disbelief, "Mom...what is she talking about?" 

Debbie had just looked at Sterling, eyes wide and afraid, mouth opening and closing. "I...I..."

"Is it true?!" Sterling's voice, now loud and trembling, seems to echo throughout the park.

Debbie swallows, hands her shotgun to her husband, and tries to approach Sterling. "Honey...let me explain..."

"Is Aunt Dana my mother?!?" Sterling demands now.

"It's true! It's fucking true!" Dana screams as the police lead her away, hands cuffed before her. "They took you away from me, baby! They took my baby away from me!"

"Sterling, honey, you've got to understand," Debbie begins,"All I did, all we ever did, all the things we've done, they were all for you..."

"You're...you're not..." Sterling begins, "You're not my mother?" 

"I...No, honey, I'm sorry," Debbie says.

"No, it's not true," Sterling says, voice broken, face crumpling. "It's not true!"

"It's...it's true, honey," Debbie says. 

"We...I...took you from Dana and gave you the best life because...because she wasn't fit to be a mother and you'd have ended up here, just like her, or dead in a ditch somewhere..."

Sterling is already shaking her head. "No, no, no! You're lying!"

"I'm not, honey, I'm sorry..."

"How could you do this to me, mom?!?" Sterling is shouting now. "How could you lie to me?!?" She's crying and sobbing and wiping at her tears angrily and there's this painful, lost, betrayed look on her face.

Debbie tries to move to hold Sterling but Sterling takes a step back. "Stay away from me! Just, stay away!" 

And so Debbie had, quietly giving her statement, watching the others give theirs, before they all go home. Sterling had refused to ride with any of them, opting to ride with Bowser instead.

That was days ago. Ever since then, the house has been filled with tension and sadness. Sterling hasn't come out of her room ever since.

Blair swallows, straightens her back, and knocks on the door now. There's a pause, then a muffled voice:

"Go away. Please."

The voice is tired, sad, defeated.  
Blair can feel the pain in her voice. 

"Sterling...please talk to me...You know you don't have to go through this alone..." When Sterling doesn't respond, Blair says, "Come on, Sterl. This isn't you...You're missing out a lot in school. Yesterday, we didn't have school because the teachers had some administrative day and stuff and all the teachers left their cars at school? And when they came back, all the cars had dicks spray painted on them. And it's not just small dicks, too, I'm talking big, red dicks with balls spray painted in red on the hood, on the side of the cars, on the back...it was hilarious! People still don't know who did it because the CCTV footage had been erased. They're still investigating. A few names have come up, including Jennings? But like, the dude's a slacker, but he isn't some idiot vandal who'd spray paint dicks on teachers' cars. That requires initiative and focus. I mean who has that time? Anyway, they say it's going to cost $200,000 just to get the cars fixed. Principal's super pissed."

Sterling doesn't say anything. Blair tries again.

"Hey, uh, when do you think you'll be back at school? People miss you. Ms.Johnson's been asking about you...and the other kids, too. Just the other day, Luke came up to me asking about you...and April also asked about you in P.E. I thought she was going to ask me about the spit in her mouthguard, but weirdly enough, she asked about you...And then she blushed? Like, I will never not get over you and April being...together... but then I saw her having lunch with Luke? Um, did something happen between you and April? What's going on with you guys? I can't keep up with your social life, Sterl, honestly." Silence. Blair tries to smile then, and says, "Oh, hey, Mom and Dad bought you a new phone. It looks really awesome. It's scratch proof and water proof and dust resistant and it has like front and three back cameras, it has a battery that lasts for days and a memory that can store all the seasons of 'Masked Singer' if you wanted..." Still no response. 

"Alright. I'll...I'll just...leave the phone here, outside your door. I mean, your social media's been quiet the last few days, people are starting to wonder if you're still alive. Even Bowser. Bowser says he finds us as useful as gerbils. But I think he really misses us. I miss you. You...Anyway, I think he has a job for us."

"...Oh, mom says we need booster shots for the 'Rona? You know how she gets about that. She's set up an appointment for us. Tells me to tell you we have to go. Oh, and eat something will you? I made breakfast...French toast and fried eggs sunny side up and bacon and orange juice. You need to eat, Sterl. Please. I've...I've go to go. I have to get to class."  
Blair closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, whispers, "I love you, Sterl" before she leaves.

***

Sterling wakes up to another day, hears Blair on the other side of the door, and settles into her blankets. She doesn't want to leave her room. It's cozy. It's safe. It's the only thing that makes sense right now. She feels the tears form in her eyes again, wipes at them with the back of her hand, and stares up at her ceiling.  
Sometimes, she wakes up thinking it's just a bad dream and everything's going to be right as rain: she's Debbie's biological daughter, Blair is her fraternal twin, and Dana is just some skip they'd arrested on another bounty hunting mission with Bowser and April's still her girlfriend because being with her felt right and good. 

But she wakes up and Blair is outside her door, reminding her that they're not sisters and Debbie isn't her mom and reality comes crashing down on her:  
She's adopted. She isn't really a Wesley. She isn't even a twin. The people she's known her whole life, her dad, her mom and her sister, aren't who they're supposed to be. Her whole life is a lie.

How could she have not known?

She goes through scenes in her life, birthday parties, gun practice at shooting ranges, Fourth of July barbecues, Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas celebrations, to see if her parents had let anything slip. There's nothing. Nothing at all comes to mind.  
She hasn't gone out since her mother, her real mother, Dana, had been apprehended. Truthfully, she doesn't know how to face it all. The truth of her birth. Dana. Debbie. Their father. Blair. Luke. And April. Knowing she isn't Debbie's daughter at all, that she came from some trailer park trash place, that her real mother is actually a wanted fugitive, that her real life, her identity, isn't the one she's been living with Debbie and her husband, has been a lie.  
How does she live with all of it? How can she live with herself?

There's a part of her that still wants to believe it isn't true, and she wonders what she'd done in the past, a past sin, a transgression, an injustice that could have earned her this, but she cannot. She doesn't deserve this. 

She'd been praying, bargaining with God, asking Him to make this go away, bargaining with Him, asking Him to make it all better in exchange for good behavior, but everyday, she wakes up to the same nightmare.

A nightmare. This is what it is. A freaking nightmare she can't seem to wake up from. 

A nightmare she's stuck with.

She lies there, thinking about it, over and over again, moving from thinking it isn't real, to thinking it is, feeling like a hamster running things in her mind over and over again and suddenly feels like she can't breathe. Like the room's stuffy. Like the whole house is stuffy.

She needs to get out of there.

*** 

Sterling waits for everyone to leave before she leaves the house: Blair to school, her parents to somewhere else. With her gun, car keys, credit card and money, she goes to her car.

She looks up at the house, the house she's known since she was a child and feels like crying again and so she gets into her car and quietly drives away.

***

Where to go? 

Sterling doesn't know. It's too cold and cloudy out and everyone else is at either work or at school. She doesn't want to talk to her parents. Or Blair. Blair's the last person she wants to talk to. What would she even say to her? 

Her first thought is calling April, but then remembers that they're broken up and she's also a little bit angry at her for not wanting to take their relationship to the next level. Then, she thinks of Luke but then nixes the idea. She really doesn't want to talk to him either. Who else to talk to?  


She remembers she forgot to get her new phone and almost kicks herself.  
There really is only one person to go to.


	2. Chapter 2

_Where to go?_

Sterling doesn't know. She's been driving idly around the city, barely noticing the autumn leaves falling away, the light patter of rain, the gray skies. 

She aimlessly drives around, past lavish, sprawling mansions of Italian Renaissance, grand Tudor, late 19th century Victorian, and Georgian design, immaculately manicured lawns, massive trees, past the country club and the high end shops that sold Salvatore Ferragamo, Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Prada and Tory Burch. 

It hits her again, how wealthy this neighborhood is, how different it is from where her real mom, Dana, comes from. Dana with her tacky nail polish and her cigarette-stained teeth and her limp, wiry blond hair and that manic look in her eyes. Her real mother. 

Sterling looks and sees how beautiful it is in autumn. But it's too cold and cloudy out and everyone else is at either work or at school. She doesn't want to talk to her parents. Or Blair. Blair's the last person she wants to talk to. What would she even say to her? 

Her first thought is calling April, but then remembers that they're broken up and she's still also a little bit upset at her for pulling that stunt at the sleepover. Then, she thinks of Luke but then nixes the idea. She really doesn't want to talk to him either. Who else to talk to?

She remembers she forgot to get her new phone and almost kicks herself.

***

She drives past shops, cafés, grocery stores, convenience stores and gas stations, stopping once for gas, and doesn't realize she's driving away from the town until she notices the road's wider and there are more grass and trees. She prays, hits the gas and continues driving.

***

April Stevens eyes Blair Wesley violently shoving books and lacrosse gear into her locker and makes a face. The girl looks freshly showered from lacrosse practice, her face surly and serious. All day at school, in class, in Spanish, in Ellen's class, in the other classes they shared, Blair was uncharacteristically quiet, but surly and angry. She'd been slamming lockers and books on desks, glaring at the people that dare come up to her. 

April had wanted to stop by Blair's locker, in the hopes of seeing Sterling. But Sterling is nowhere to be found. Sterling hasn't been in school since the sleepover. In fact, she hasn't seen her this week. She isn't in Spanish, or Ellen's class, or the AP classes they share, or even their fellowship sessions. 

April is wracked with anxiety. She can't help but wonder if Sterling's absence from class the past few days has something to do with April breaking it off with her. She'd been immediately wracked with guilt when she'd broken it off with Sterling. Sterling had looked so confused and hurt when she'd told her they couldn't continue. She'd seen Sterling's face when April had started flirting with Luke. And she couldn't forget Sterling's face when on the grounds, her eyes, always so alive, fill with tears at April's words.

April shouldn't have done it. Shouldn't have flirted with Luke. Shouldn't have broken it off with Sterling. Should've just told her they should just lay low for awhile, convinced her to just keep their relationship secret just a little longer. April had been able to keep her sexuality under wraps for so long, keeping a gay relationship secret for the rest of the schoolyear wasn't going to be that hard. But Sterling, sweet, gorgeous Sterling, had wanted to make their relationship a little less secret, wanted to sleep beside her at the sleepover, wanted people to see them together, wanted to tell her sister, Blair, about them. And April had freaked out. And then her father, John, had come home, cleared of the charges, asking about Sterling and Blair and April had panicked. 

As she looks at Blair now, April debates talking to her or not.

***

Sterling wasn't supposed to happen.

Sterling with her eyes and her smile and her lips and her everything else. 

Sterling was just this girl she used to be close to all of grade school - the girl who was smart, got good grades and shared her turkey sandwiches with April and always carried an extra juice box for April and whose eyes always lit up when she saw April. Sterling who always insisted on sitting beside her, or who always saved a seat for her, who invited April to dinners and sleepovers, Sterling who was polite and never talked with her mouth full and never burped during Sunday sermons and always remembered her in her prayers and always hung out with her. Sterling had been one of her closest friends. 

April had never entertained the idea that she could like Sterling like she liked Adele. Sterling was just Sterling for her. After Adele in second grade, she'd tried to keep her feelings a secret. Or ignore them. Or violently quash them. She never forgot how her parents had reacted to Adele. Had told her that feeling too close to girls was "unnatural" and that God would "smite" her for her unnatural feelings. "Remember, honey, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," she remembers her mother telling her. She had wondered though if God would really smite her. The Bible had said "God is Love" so why would a God who is synonymous with love smite her for her feelings? Wouldn't her very feelings come from God, too? If God didn't want her to feel this way, then why invent feelings in the first place? Why give human beings the capacity to love? Even at a young age, she had questions about the Bible and its many contradictions. But she also knew, at a young age, that she needed to be careful, because in her house, she instinctively knew anyone different would be condemned. An uncle who was effeminate. An aunt that was out and gay in the East Coast. A cousin who was trans. They didn't talk to them. Her parents said they would burn in hell. 

That was a second grade lesson she'd learned and never forgot.

She and Sterling had struck up a tentative friendship after, bonding over religious classes, C.S.Lewis, favorite subjects and favorite books and favorite shows and celebrities. April was the smartest in class, but Sterling definitely gave her a run for her money, topping pop quizzes and turning in A- projects.

But then, in fifth grade, Sterling discovered boys, particularly Luke Cresswell, and left April behind.

She'd been hurt by that. Hurt by Sterling's rejection. Hurt and angry. 

And as Sterling, with sister Blair and new boyfriend Luke, went through middle school and junior high and senior high generally well-liked by the student population, April excelled, but felt more alone and lonely, unable to talk to anyone, unable to tell anyone about what she is going through. The thing was, she kept having crushes on girls and it didn't, wouldn't stop. By the time she hit junior high, she could no longer deny it: she was gay, is gay, and she liked girls. And Willingham Academy had a lot of them. Girls in their ponytails and short skirts and blouses, in gym and in class and on the grounds, giggling and chatting and smiling and everything else.

She didn't like all of them, but when she hit puberty, she'd felt like she'd developed a hyper sensitive spider sense about them, noticing them all the time.

She hadn't liked Sterling in that way, though. Not at first. Sterling was just some girl she'd known pretty much since grade school. She'd always been there. Granted April had noticed the growth spurt, and the other bodily changes. By the time Sterling had turned sixteen she was already all of five foot seven, tall and lithe and pretty, long, dark blond hair always in a ponytail or a braid or cascading down her back, curves filled out all nice and sexy. But she never forgot fifth grade and so whenever she'd find herself staring at Sterling too long, she'd remind herself that Sterling is the annoying, straight, goody-two-shoes who had everyone, including Ellen, wrapped around her little finger, and who always took away things from her, like the fellowship leader position, like the debate championship before that, like all the other things before that. 

And then, Sterling had lost the debate competition, again, on purpose, and April was furious. So furious she'd just wanted to hurt Sterling or something. But she'd grabbed Sterling by the arm and felt something else instead. Something electric had gone through her hand as she touched her. It was as if touching Sterling had electrified her. She hadn't even noticed she was touching her until Sterling had looked at her hand on her arm. April had removed her hand and walked away.

She'd spent the rest of that day thinking about that touch, and wondering about what it meant and how she felt about Sterling. But Sterling was straight, that much was pretty clear, even in grade school. In fact, she's the straightest girl April has ever known. She'd never give April the light of day. And yet, that day, April suddenly sees Sterling in a new light: the way she purses her lips when she's outwitted April, the way she smiles at people, the way her eyes light up when something pleases her, the way her eyes feel like it's always piercing her very soul. Had she always been attracted to Sterling and just ignored it? 

Ezequiel had once off-handedly told her when she was in one of her rants about Sterling, "This obsession you have with Sterling is borderline gay, April. Either let go or just...make out with her already..."

April had blushed but she had glared at Ezequiel then and Ezequiel had muttered an unapologetic "sorry" and sashayed away. She'd never talked about being gay to Ezequiel, but she thinks one of the reasons she'd probably struck up a friendship with him is precisely because of that: his gayness and his confidence about it. She's heard people call Ezequiel a "fag" more times than she can count but Ezequiel either just glares at those people or ignores it, preferring to walk past those people laughing at him. She hadn't wanted people doing that to her. And if she entertained even a hint of whatever confusing feelings she has for Sterling, she knows she will be treated much like they did Ezequiel. She thinks she wouldn't be able to endure it. She isn't as brave as Ezequiel.

So she'd resolved to push whatever feelings she may have for Sterling and ignore it, which was pretty much what she'd been doing since second grade. 

But it was pretty hard to do though. She saw Sterling pretty much everyday. Sterling sat beside her or behind her in most of their classes and she saw her in fellowship everyday, and church on Sundays. She was just going to have to avoid her.

But then she sees Sterling that day during Ellen's class, and the look on her face when she sees April gives April pause, makes her wonder if maybe Sterling might feel something for her. She'd thought whatever happened during the debate was a fluke, but she'd felt that electric feeling again, once she'd sat beside her. It's like all her senses have suddenly been heightened around Sterling - she could smell her shampoo, the soap, her cologne, even the fabric softener on her clothes. And when she spoke to her, she could smell the mint on her breath. Sterling always smelled good. At least to her. She'd always thought of her as the good twin, the good-smelling twin, the smarter twin, and sitting beside her that day, she'd realized she was the cuter twin, too. She couldn't let on though that she might like her. She knew what Sterling was like, and she certainly knew what Blair and the rest of the school are like. They would never let her live it down. They'll probably have a field day. But then Sterling asks her if they could be partners and through the confusion, April agrees, even though she knows it's probably a bad idea. And then Sterling kisses her in Ellen's office and it's like every dream April had ever dreamed of and April feels her breath knocked out of her.

"All the good things in my life come from bad ideas," Sterling would later tell her, in the car, when she mentions this, lips kissing a trail down her throat and through the haze of desire boring down on her, April can't help but agree.

***

Blair is talking on someone on the phone. The hallway is slowly emptying out. Blair seems anxious and upset. April thinks it's probably a bad idea to talk to her now, but she needs to know, so she takes a deep breath and approaches her.

***

Blair is staring at her, eyebrows knitted, surprised and annoyed. If Blair hadn't been so obvious about her dislike for April, now she was openly showing it. Does she know?

Blair seems to recover then because she shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear what you were saying over the sound of me not caring."

April sighs in frustration. " Look, Blair, I know you don't like me..."

"Understatement of the year..."

"But I just wanted to know if Sterling is okay, okay? She's not answering my texts or emails and DMs...she hasn't posted anything on Instagram or TikTok and...I hate to admit this to you but...I'm just...worried..."

Blair cocks her head, narrows her eyes and looks at April. "Why do you care? She seemed upset during the lock-in. What did you do? "

April blushes. She could sense her " fight-or-flight" mode kicking in. Blair has that protective look on her face, something she's noticed every time Blair feels someone's hurt Sterling and April resists the urge to walk away. She powers through.

"We...kind of...things didn't...go well during the lock in and I just wanted to make sure she's okay..."

"What? Why? What happened? " Blair demands. "Did you break up with my sister? Did you hurt her? Was she just some kind of experiment to you? Because I swear to god, April, if you hurt my sister I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you'll..."

April winces. "She wasn't an experiment!" she blurts out and she realizes her voice is a bit louder than usual and she looks around, anxiously, realizes the hallway is empty and breathes a sigh of relief. In a lower voice, she hisses, "Could you please keep your voice down?" Then her tone shifts, turns soft as she says, "Sterling wasn't an experiment, okay? It's not like that..."

"Yeah?" Blair asks, skeptical. "Sure about that? 'Cause she seemed really upset when she called me..."

April closes her eyes, opens them again, sees Blair's eyes boring right into her. "What did she say to you?"

Blair shakes her head. "Nothing."

April looks at her, incredulous. "Nothing? I find that hard to believe. Isn't oversharing your thing? Isn't she, like, your umbilicus or something?"

"Whatever. She didn't say anything, okay?" Blair says. Her expression changes and her voice softens as she explains, "Apparently, she likes you...or whatever, and anyway, we haven't been able to talk about it."

"Why? Is something going on? Is she okay?"

The worry in her eyes seems to surprise Blair, and she eyes her warily as she carefully answers. "Um...just...some family stuff...we're just...going through a rough time and...she isn't exactly talking to me either..."

"Oh."

Blair nods. "Yeah. And...she lost her phone. That's why she isn't replying to your texts and stuff..."

April nods, disappointed. "Okay."

"But I'll let her know as soon as I get hold of her, okay?" Blair says. 

"Yeah, okay, thanks, Blair."

"Okay, now, please go, it's weirding me out just wrapping my head around the idea of you guys hooking up...like...eewww," Blair says. "I mean, not like, because you're..."here she lowers her voice, "Gay or whatever...it's just because you're...you..."

April nods. "Yeah, I get it." As Blair grabs her bag and lacrosse stick, April says, "I...I didn't mean to hurt your sister, Blair. And we weren't just...hooking up...I really like your sister, too...it's just..." Here she hesitates. "...I'm going through some stuff right now, too, and I can't..." She feels a lump form in her throat then and she stops, unable to go on. How can she explain to Blair, the always rebellious, overconfident twin, that she's scares shitless of what will happen when her parents, especially her father, find out? Get a grip, April, she tells herself. "Don't tell my parents."

Blair seems offended by that. "What the fuck, April? You think I'm gonna narc on you? What's the matter with you? I'm a dick, but I'm not an asshole. Fuck, dude."

"Sorry, I just..."

"Whatever, dude," Blair says, then. "I have to go...the parents just called. Sterling's gone."

"Gone?" April asks, concerned. "What do you mean, gone?" 

Blair shrugs. "I don't know...The parents kind of just got home and she wasn't...there, okay? I need to go."

April grabs her arm. Blair glares at her. April lets her arm go.

"Um, you'll let me know, if you find her, yeah?"

"When I find her," Blair corrects her.

April nods. "Right, yeah..."

"Don't mention it," Blair says. "To _anyone._ "

***

Sterling sits nervously on the chair, fidgeting. She says a quick prayer as she waits. 

The uniformed cop by the door is tall and portly and mustached, trying to suck his gut in as he watches prisoners go in and out. 

Sterling wrings her hand, her anxiety going up a notch as the door buzzes and Dana comes in. 

Sterling's heart starts to pound in her chest. She can't breathe. She can't speak. She sits frozen on the chair, unable to say anything as she watches Dana make her way to the chair, handcuffed and unhappy. She looks at Sterling for a second, glass separating them, then grabs the phone.

"What are you doing here?"

***

Sterling doesn't know what to say. On her way to her, she'd ran lines in her head, composed a working draft of she was going to say to her, if by chance, she'd be allowed to speak to her, and by some stroke of luck, it was visiting hours and she'd been able to see her. But now, with her real mother infront of her, the words Sterling has rehearsed go out the window. 

"What do you want?" Dana drawls and that seems to snap Sterling out of her haze.

"Uh, hi," Sterling greets her. "Nice suit by the way...the orange really makes your eyes pop out..."

"It's standard issue."

"And...and those handcuffs complement your nail polish..."

"Sterling..."

"Right, yeah...I wasn't sure if you'd see me but...yeah, thanks for seeing me..." 

Dana shrugs. "Anytime. What can I do you for?"

Sterling pauses. "I...I don't know where to start..."

"Well, you better hurry up, I ain't got much time..."

" Well...I...I'm sorry for coming here like this...I just have so many questions...like, so many questions," Sterling begins. "Like, where was I born? Who's my father? Why'd you give me away? Where were you all this time? Why didn't you come get me? Why'd you..." Here, Sterling pauses and then continues, "Why'd you give me away?"

"Whoa, whoa, honey, slow down, so many questions..." Dana pauses then she sighs. "Look, I was young, honey. I didn't know what I was doing. I kinda still don't know what I'm doing. As you can see, I ain't really the most...maternal of people and I was at a very low point when I had you...I was broke and I didn't know how I could even take care of you. Your father, your real father, was some good-for-nothing, deadbeat slacker who had no job, no future, no nothing. There was no way I could raise you all on my own. I ain't as strong as Debbie. She didn't take you away...I gave you to her...for safekeeping, like. I hoped I could be with you one day, but Debbie didn't want you to know me. She was embarrassed of me. Ashamed of me. I was the bad twin. The bad egg. The one who did bad in school. The one who was always flunkin' and partyin' and gettin' hungover the day after." 

An officer comes up to them then and says, "Time's almost up, wrap it up..."

Dana and Sterling nod and Dana looks at Sterling, " Look, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. And I'm sorry for what I put you through. Nothing I'll do will ever make it up to you, I know, and I wouldn't blame you if you never wanna see me again. I just didn't want you to grow up not knowing who your real mother was. And it ain't Debbie. That's all. That's it. I know it's fucked up and I fucked up but yeah..."

Sterling nods. "Okay."

"Time's up!" The officer calls out.

Dana looks at Sterling with desperate eyes and says, "Will I see you again?"

Sterling shrugs. "I don't know."

"Well, if you ever wanna talk...or somethin', you know where to find me."

Sterling nods as an officer comes up and leads Dana away. 

"You take care now, baby."

Sterling sits there for a few moments, not knowing what to do, before she stands and leaves.

***

Sterling drives.

It's late afternoon now. Sky getting dark.

Should she just continue driving until she sees the coast or some new city? Or should she drive back?

As the highway looms in front of her, and trucks and Greyhound buses and SUVs wheeze past her, she realizes it's a stupid idea. Where would she go? She didn't know anyone outside Atlanta. Everyone she knew was in Atlanta. Her mom. Her dad...well, her aunt and uncle, really. And Blair. Bowser, too. And everyone else. She'd need to get a place to stay, she'd have to drop out of school, she'd have to get a real job. And she really likes Willingham. And she could get a good shot at a college education. And a good job. Remembering Dana reminds her that that could be her, in a few years, if she makes one bad decision. So she makes a U-turn and drives back to the city.

There really is only one person to go to.

***

"Sterling?"

Bowser's eyes go comically wide as Sterling sits on his couch. "What are you doing here?" 

Sterling grins. "Nothing. Skipped school. Living dangerously. And all that."

Browser shakes his head. "Won't that affect your GPA or something?"

Sterling makes a face. " What are you, my mom? You're not the boss of me..."

" Sterling, c'mon...I'm just worried..."

"I'm fine."

" You sure?"

"Yeah."

"I mean...kid, you want to talk about it?"

Sterling makes a face. "Um, not really? I actually want to work so I can take my mind off of it? So I'd prefer it if you'd just help me with that?"

"Um, yeah, sure."

"Thank you, Bowser," Sterling says with relief. Then, she pauses and says, " I mean the person I thought was my mom my whole life isn't really my mom, my twin sister is actually my cousin and my real mother is a criminal so yay for me, I guess."

"Um, right.."

"I mean, they couldn't find the time in all the sixteen years I've been with them to tell me that, oh, I'm adopted and my real mother is my fake mom's twin sister?"

"Shit's fucked up, kid..."

"I mean, how hard could it be to say 'Oh, by the way, we're not you're real parents and Blair isn't really your sister...'"

"Sterling..."

"I mean, my whole life is a lie, Bowser. A freaking lie. Like...life's meaningless and worthless or whatever, you know?"

"Sterling!"

Sterling stops then, looks at Bowser.

"Breathe!" Bowser says. "Breathe, dammit!"

Sterling stops, closes her eyes, takes a few deep breaths, Bowser's soothing voice guiding her as she tries to calm herself down. She opens her eyes then.

"Better?" Bowser asks.

Sterling nods. "A bit. I mean, I'm about to have a nervous breakdown right about now because like, my girlfriend broke up with me and my mom's not my real mom and my sister's not my real sister, so...but..."

"Wait, your girlfriend?" Bowser asks. "Never mind. I'm sorry about your family, kid," Bowser says then, voice soft, "I know nothing I say will ever make things any better...and it's shitty how they kept all this shit from you but...I'm sure your parents had their reasons...likely to protect you and your sister..."

Sterling thinks about this. 

"You know I'm right, kid."

"Yeah, I guess you are," Sterling says.

Bowser nods. "Now, I'd love to help get your mind off of this or something except, I don't have a job for you."

"What, why?"

"I'm thinking of leaving."

***

Just then, a familiar voice calls out from the counter, "Hey, Bowser, Cathy tells me you're leaving. What's going on? Also, have you seen Sterl..."

Blair's voice trails off when she sees Sterling. 

Bowser looks from on to the other and says,"I'm gonna leave you two to it."

***

"Hey," Blair says, softly, hesitating, as she approaches Sterling, and slowly takes a seat beside her. "How...how are you?" When Sterling doesn't say anything, Blair sits there in silence before she finally says "Top 5 saddest things you've ever heard of."

Sterling sighs, rubs her eye with the back of her hand and says, "Finding out you're adopted."

Blair nods.

Sterling continues, "Finding out the family you've known your whole life isn't your family..."

Sterling's voice breaks and Blair puts a hand on her back, and begins to rub. 

"Finding out your real mom is a criminal," Sterling continues, and her eyes well up with tears.

"Finding out my whole life is a lie," Sterling says, then she looks at Blair then and says, "Finding out you're not my sister." 

"Oh, Sterl," Blair says, pulling Sterling towards her. She embraces her tight, relief on her face as Sterling sobs onto her shoulder. Blair lets her, rubbing her back up and down, while saying, "Ssshh...it's okay. Don't cry. Don't feel bad... I'm here now..."

And Sterling cries and cries and cries, big, fat tears that stream down her cheeks and make Blair's shirt wet and she's never cried like this before. She cries for what she's lost, for her family, for her self.

After all the tears have been shed, Blair says, "Listen." 

Sterling draws back and looks at her.

Blair continues, "I don't care what Dana says, okay? I don't care that you're not really my real sister. As far as I know you're still the same Sterling I've always known. You're still my best friend and my sister and my everything. Nothing, not even Dana, can change that, okay? We're still blood and I still love you and mom and dad still love you and that's all that matters."

Sterling sighs. "Really?"

Blair nods. " Yes! You're still the same girl who farts in the car and loses fights and has such a messy room things actually grow in it and we have to name them."

"Hey!"

Blair puts her hand on Sterling's shoulder. "I love you, okay? Nothing's going to change that."

Sterling nods. "I keep wishing this is all a dream that I'm going to wake up from and tomorrow you're still my twin and mom's still my mom and stuff..."

"Why not?"

"Why not why?"

"Why can't I go on being your sister?" Blair asks. "Why can't mom go on being your mom? I mean, Bowser keeps saying heaven and hell are a construct. Why can't family be a construct, too? A construct we're free to create and make our own? You're family. You'll always be family. And nothing's ever going to change that."

"Really?"

"Yes." Blair smiles. "Oh, hey, you know...Moses was adopted..."

" What?"

"In the Bible, Moses was adopted and he went on to do great things..." Blair continues. "Yeah, he became God's chosen prophet and he freed his people from the clutches of the evil Pharaoh and parted the Red Sea and..."

"Oh, yeah..." Sterling brightens. Then her face falls. "And then...he led them to the desert where they spent 40 years wandering..."

"Because he refused to ask for directions..."

"I know, right?" Sterling agrees.

"Oh, Esther is adopted, too," Blair points out. "And Samuel...and...and...and Jesus is adopted."

Sterling smiles through her tears. "Oh, Blair."

Blair smiles. "Yeah, Jesus was adopted and he went on to do great things. He performed miracles and made blood into wine, brought people back to life, died and rose again after three days, and conquered death and is responsible for the most important religious movement in the whole, entire universe."

"Stop it, you're going to make me cry again," Sterling says, wiping the tears in her eyes.

"So, you're going to be okay and you're going to...do great things some day and I know mom and Pastor Booth keep saying this but everything happens for a reason. I mean, things are screwed up and your real mom shouldn't have given you away and mom and dad shouldn't have lied but...if they didn't do what they did, I wouldn't have had you for my sister and things wouldn't have happened the way they did..."

Sterling smiles. "Yeah?"

Blair nods. "So fuck all that. You're still my sister."

Sterling hugs Blair then. "I love you so much."

"I love you so much, too." They hold each other for awhile before Blair continues, "Mom's freaking out when she got home and realized you were gone. She thought you might've run away or something..."

Sterling doesn't speak at first, but then she says, "Yeah. I was about to..."

"Shit, really?" Blair asks.

Sterling nods. " Yeah. I was driving down the highway, 'Don't Stop Believin' playing in my head when I realized, where was I gonna go? What about mom and dad? And you? And Chloe? And fellowship? What about...April?"

"Did you guys break up?"

"What?" 

" April came up to me today all worried and shit, and she was asking about you and I just realized...she's got it as bad as you do...like you've got her whipped, dude..."

Sterling blushes. "I...yeah...she did...but don't hate on her...it's not anyone's fault..." She sighs. "I was going to say she's part of the top 5 saddest things I've ever experienced but you just asked for five so..."

" I'm sorry, dude..." Blair says. " April asked me if you could text her and let her know you're okay..."

"Screw that."

April laughs, " Okay."

"I'll be a bit immature for a little while and let her suffer for a bit first, and then I'll text her," Sterling says.

"Oh, my god, you are so whipped. Although I kinda get it. She's creepily smart and freakishly intense. Plus she not only doesn't mind subtitles, she actually understands foreign movies! It's a win-win."

Sterling rolls her eyes. "Of course, duh. I have taste. Anyway, did you get Miles back?"

Blair shakes her head. "No."

"I'm sorry, Blair."

"That's okay, I mean, I'm not over it yet, but there are other fish in the sea."

Sterling makes a face. " Did you just...compare boys to fish."

"Jesus did promise we could be fishers of men."

"Uh...I don't think that means what you think it means," Sterling says.

Blair grins.

"My life's so...screwed up right now, Blair..."

"Hey, shit may be happening, but you've still got me, okay?" Blair says. "No matter what happens, you've got me..."

Sterling's expression softens. "Oh, thanks, Blair." Then her face falls. "April told me that, too...before she broke up with me."

Blair squeezes her hand. "It's okay. Don't worry. Who needs high school girls anyway, right? Anyway, we've got, like, a year and a half left. By the time we get to college, there'll be so many girls all up and down your vagina you're going to have vagina coming out of your ears."

" What? Eeewww." Sterling makes a face. "What does that even mean?" 

"You're going to be scissoring so much you're going to walk funny for a whole year...."

"That's not a thing. Also, eeewww."

Blair laughs.

"And also, I don't think I'm actually ready for other...vaginas...or penises...I really just want April," Sterling admits. Blair smiles at her. "Anyway, so, did they ever find out who spray painted those dicks on the teachers' cars?" 

"Dunno," Blair shrugs. "April volunteered to help investigate. Overachiever."

"It's fine. You know she can't help herself."

"Oh my god, is that gonna be your thing now?"

"What?"

"That. Defending her. Like, all the time."

"Shut up," Sterling says, blushing. "Oh, hey, April says her dad's out. Like, he's been cleared of the charges or whatever..."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah. You think he's going to make trouble for us?"

"Dunno. We need to make trouble for him, first."

"Blair..."

"Don't worry, I won't drag your precious little April into it. Anyway, we can ask Bowser to help us."

"Bowser's leaving..."

"Then, we make him stay..."

"What if he doesn't want to stay?"

"We tie him to a chair and annoy him til he decides to stay. "

"Or, we could gag him, lock him in a basement somewhere and starve him til he changes his mind and as I'm saying it it does sound a bit psychopathic so no..."

"There's no need for that," Bowser says, coming up on the doorway and regarding the two teenagers.

"What?" Blair and Sterling ask at the same time.

"You heard me. Apparently, I'm staying. Yolanda says she needs me. Cathy doesn't want the responsibility. And with Terrance always too busy with his thing, who's going to catch the skips?"

Sterling and Blair grin.

"And I need you two to help me," Bowser says. "And I heard John Stevens is out. So, who's going to look out for you two weirdos?"

Sterling and Blair grin wider as they bound up to Bowser and give him a hug.

"Yeah, yeah," Bowser says, feigning annoyance. " Now get out of here before I change my mind."

Blair and Sterling squeal as they let Bowser go.

"You want to go home now?" Blair asks Sterling.

Sterling nods. "Yeah."

"Okay, let's go home."

***

Sterling says a quick prayer on the way home. When she parks the Volt in the driveway, and pulls the emergency brake she and Blair sit in nervous silence.

"Ready?" Blair asks.

Sterling nods and hums in agreement. But she doesn't make a move.

"You can do this," Blair says, reaching for Sterling's hand.

Sterling nods vigorously, but then says, "I don't think I can."

"Yeah, you can," Blair insists. "You have to face mom sooner or later..."

"Yeah, I know, but what will I tell her? I'm so upset and mad and confused and just...ugh...she kept so much from me...!"

"I know, but, you need to start somewhere, let the healing begin and all that..."

Sterling takes a deep breath. "Okay."

***

The moment Sterling unlocks the front door, she and Blair immediately hear their mom asking, "Sterling? Blair? Is that you?"

They hear footsteps and they finally see Debbie, then Anderson appear before them. 

"Oh, thank god," Debbie says with relief as she takes a step towards them, and makes to hug Blair and Sterling.

Blair lets her hug her, but when she attempts to hug Sterling, Sterling shakes her head and takes a step back.

"No, mom, I'm still mad at you guys for keeping from me," Sterling says then.

Debbie nods, understanding in her eyes. "Okay, I understand. But can we at least talk about this?"

Sterling hesitates, before nodding. Debbie sighs in relief as she leads Sterling to the living room couch.

"Dad and I are just going to...leave you guys for a moment," Blair says.

Anderson nods, putting an arm on Blair's shoulder. "Yeah, we'll be at the kitchen if you need anything."

***

Debbie and Sterling sit in awkward, painful silence for what seems like forever. Debbie is nervous and anxious, Sterling quiet and uninterested to start the conversation, so Debbie begins.

"Have you had anything to eat? You look like you've lost a lot of weight, honey," Debbie begins. "You haven't been eating very well the past few days, I was worried."

"Yeah, Blair wanted to feed me some Sour Patch stuff which, gross, and Bowser only has ice cream in his shop, so..."

"Well, I've cooked some dinner for you two, if you want to eat now..."

Debbie makes to stand, but Sterling grabs her arm. "Mom, it's fine, I think we need to talk about this first before we grab dinner. Because if we don't, I feel like I'm going to die or something."

"Alright," Debbie says, sitting back down. "First of all, I would like to say how sorry I am, we are, your daddy and I, for keeping this from you. This is probably the worst thing we've ever done to you and nothing we'll ever do will truly make up for it, but I promise you I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you..."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Sterling asks. "Why'd you keep it from me?" 

"I'm...I'm sorry, honey, we never should have lied to you. I shouldn't kept it from you. You deserved to know. And I hated that you had to find out the way you did."

Sterling is crying now. Sterling's been crying so much the past few days she's surprised she still has some tears left. Her eyes are sore and bloodshot and red and puffy from too much crying.

"Oh, I'm sorry, honey," Debbie says now, more softly. "I thought, by not telling you about your mother, I was sparing you but I can see now that I was just sparing myself..."

Sterling is wiping the tears in her eyes now.

"I thought you'd run away," Debbie says, "Thank you for coming back. I wouldn't know what I would do if I lost you..."

"Where would I go?" Sterling asks. "You're my mom. You're my family. You and dad and Blair. You're all I've ever known. You've given me a good life and you've treated me like your own daughter and no kid couldn't ask for more."

"Oh, Sterling, honey," Debbie says, reaching out to Sterling and embracing her, holding her as tightly as she can. "Thank you." She kisses Sterling on the head. "I love you."

"I love you, too, mom, but I'm still mad at you."

"I know, honey."

"Like, really mad."

"I know."

"Like, I might need some therapy..."

"Yes, I know. You and Blair can go together."

"And maybe an increase in my allowance."

"Don't push it."

"Doesn't hurt to try," Sterling says, with a smile. She pulls back from her mom and says, "No more secrets mom, please. I don't think I can handle any more surprises."

Debbie nods. "No more secrets."

Sterling sniffs and wipes the tears from eyes. "Promise?"

Debbie nods.

Sterling nods and takes a deep, shaky breath. "Good. Because, I think I'm gay." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda really wanted to know what happened after the season/series finale - so here's my take on that. Hope you like. Cheers!


	3. Chapter 3

There's a moment right before Sterling comes out to Debbie when she sees what she is saying goodbye to: her privacy, her past self, her childhood, that image, that identity she's always had, the way her parents always perceived her. The good one, the favorite, the one their parents always preferred.

Later she'll wonder what prompted her to come out or from where she got the courage to come out to her conservative Christian parents. But that night, as she and Debbie talk, she'd felt something click inside her. She'd felt it was the right time. She'd looked at her mother, this woman that for the last sixteen years had been her mother, and realized she deserved to know. That now that the truth of her birth is out in the open, she needed to know that Sterling is gay, too. But at that moment, she hadn't thought about how it might turn out.

Debbie's smile had disappeared, her face frozen. Her expression had gone blank, then she'd looked at Sterling, as if for the first time and then asks, flatly, "What?"  
"I think I might be gay," Sterling repeats her statement, and when she says it the second time, she feels the tightness in her chest slowly disappear, feels like she can breathe again, and she realizes as she says it that she hadn't known how badly she needed to say it out loud until she did.

Debbie shakes her head, waves a hand as if to dismiss it and says, "No, I heard what you said the first time...I meant, what are you saying?"

Sterling shrugs, suddenly feeling nervous, her mother's eyes, so piercing, scrutinizing her. "I like boys and I like...girls," she says as casually and as non-chalantly as she can, careful not to let Debbie notice the nervous quiver in her voice.

Debbie scoffs at the idea. "That's impossible. You love Luke. You just had sex with him. You told me you were in love."

Sterling shakes her head. " Well, yes, but I can love Luke and still like girls."

Debbie is shaking her head. "No, you're not gay, Sterling. That's impossible."

"Mom...it's entirely possible."

"No, no, no,"Debbie says. " What you are is confused. You're confusing female friendships with romantic feelings. This is...just a stage, a phase, you'll grow out of it."

"Mom...I don't think sexuality is some sort of phase..."

"You're doing this to get back at me, Sterling. To hurt me. I know keeping the truth from you was wrong, but telling me you're gay just to spite me is just plain wrong."

"Mom, I'm not saying it to spite you," Sterling gently explains. "I wanted you to know because I didn't want to keep that a secret from you...it's an important part of who I am and I wanted you to know..."

"Well, I wish you hadn't told me..."

"Mom..."

" Sodom and Gomorrah...you know what happens to the gay people there, don't you?"

"Yes, mom, but are we entirely sure Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed with fire and brimstone because the people were gay? Because I don't think so..."

"Don't get fresh with me, young lady."

"I'm sorry, mom, but it's true...I'm...I'm gay."

Then Debbie looks at her, takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm sorry. I cannot accept it. I do not accept it."

***

It's easy to think, at that moment, that Sterling believed her mother would accept her, that no matter what happens, she will always love her and she will never change. But as Sterling sits there, her mother getting up, heading to their master bedroom and slamming the door behind her, Sterling realizes she's made a mistake and she regrets telling her mother.

***

"You told mom?!?" Blair asks, surprised and impressed at the same time. 

Sterling nods, crying again. 

"Wow, I am very impressed by your guts," Blair comments. When Blair notices that Sterling is still feeling down, Blair says, "Hey, don't feel bad. Mom will come around. You're her favorite. I don't think she can go a day without fussing over you. Remember that time in second grade when we went to Disneyland and you got lost and mom was full-on panicking and was ready to commit murder just to get you back?"

Sterling nods.

"Remember that time you lost your tooth and you wouldn't tell mom and it freaked her out? Or that time you fell and broke your finger..."

"Nail..." Sterling adds. 

"Yeah and..."

"Clipper," Sterling ends.

"Oh, yeah, and Mom freaked out?" Blair hugs her. "She'll come around. You'll see."

***

Except Debbie Wesley does not.  
The day after Sterling comes out, she is quiet at the table, the normal chatter among the Wesley family quiet and muted, the atmosphere somber and awkward.

Sterling leaves the house with a heavy heart, driving to school with dread and anxiety, Blair attempting to liven up the car with endless chatter about the mystery of the spray-painted dick on the teachers' cars.

All the way to first period, Sterling doesn't know what to do. It's been days since she skipped school and she'd forgotten she had to face April, of all people, but Blair holds her hand and gives her a grim, determined smile.  
In Ellen's class, Sterling hesitates for a moment, before she takes a deep breath and heart pounding, Sterling sits beside Horny Lorna, in front of Ezequiel and Hannah, ignoring the people around her and buries herself in her notebook, so she doesn't have to see either April or Luke coming in.

Sterling breezes through the day like a zombie. The day feels long and hard, but Blair sticks by her, all throughout morning class, through lunch and afternoon classes. 

In Mrs.O'Reilly's Spanish class, she keeps her head down. She doesn't even remember what they discussed in Spanish, she thinks it's verb conjugations. 

But when it's time to pair up, Blair quickly pairs up with her so she doesn't have to be partners with April.

In their AP classes, Sterling sits as far away from April as she can and during lunch period and study hall, Blair is with her, constantly chattering.

There's a moment in between classes when Sterling thinks she sees April approaching her, so she slams her locker and quickly runs the other way.

Sterling skips fellowship, not even bothering to inform Ellen why and makes her way to the lacrosse fields instead, watching her sister play as she brings out her SAT book and reviews for the test. Her SAT exam is coming up, and she has to review for that. 

She sits on the bleachers, shivering, alternating between watching her sister play, and thumbing through an SAT book. 

She can't concentrate though, so she finally slams the book and just watches Blair down on the field.

Blair's practice ends and they drive to Bowser's and Sterling is relieved that she has a brief respite from both home and school.

***

The first few days are the hardest for Sterling. Her mother still doesn't talk to her and ignores or avoids her and her father, who never knows what to say anyway, sits or stands around awkwardly, trying to say something to make things better but failing miserably.  
School is still awkward for Sterling, but as long as she avoids or ignores Sterling in the classes they share together, and as long as she skips fellowship, she thinks she'll be fine.

One day though she sees April talking and laughing with Luke and she feels like her breath has been punched out of her.  
That day, she skips Blair's practice and just drives around instead. 

She drives around awhile first before she realizes where she's headed. And she doesn't realize she's parked across the youth center with the rainbow flag on top of it until she's actually there, sitting in her car, debating whether to go out or not.

***

The nightmares started a few nights after Sterling comes out to her mom.  
It's always strange and scary and it always makes her wake up in a cold sweat.

It's her mother, Debbie, ignoring her as she screams and screams and screams.  
It's herself, bound and gagged in a trailer that looks like the one Dana had brought her in.

It's Dana, manic, crazed eyes glowing bright and scary as she looks at her, grinning and grinning and grinning.  
It's Luke and April staring at her, not saying anything, disappointment in their faces, as they recede in the distance.  
But it's usually of Debbie and Dana, one moment Debbie hugging her and telling her she loves her and the next telling her, "You're no daughter of mine", and then Debbie dissolves into Dana and Dana cackles, country music playing in the background, singing, "I never wanted you...I never wanted you..." And she wakes up, breathing heavily, sweat heavy on her brow, and she puts her hands on her face and cries.

***

Cameron leans back on her swivel chair, smiles encouragingly at Sterling and says, "So, what can I do for you?"

Sterling smiles awkwardly, "Thanks for seeing me, I...I wasn't sure whether you'd be able to see me...I don't have enough money...but I'll be able to pay for it...but I just had to talk someone because I don't really know who to talk and if I don't, I think I'll die."

Cameron smiles. "That's fine. We don't charge for counselling. What do you want to talk about?"

Sterling hesitates, before she draws a deep breath and says, "Well, my name is Sterling...I'm sixteen, I study at this Christian private school, I just found out I was adopted and I think I'm gay..."

"You think you're gay?"

"Yeah, no, my girlfriend...can I call her my girlfriend? I don't know. She broke up with me and I feel like I'm going to die...so I guess I am gay..."

***

Sterling hadn't planned to go to a youth center and talk to a counselor like Cameron with her problems. But with her real mom in jail, her other mom not talking to her, coming out, dealing with April breaking up with her, dealing with everything right now, Sterling needed to talk to someone. She couldn't go to the school counselor. She'd once gone there to talk about sex and the counselor had declared, "Don't have sex. If you have sex, you will get chlamydia and die. Also, it's a sin." She needed to talk someone who isn't part of her family or part of her school or part of her community. Somebody who would give her some perspective, help her see things a bit more objectively.

She'd been mindlessly googling counseling on her new phone and she'd found the youth center downtown, tucked inside an unobtrusive thrift shop that sold vintage tees and dresses and bric-a-brac. Her room is small but cozy and clean, walls lined up with shelf and her certificates and diploma, a small desk and a couple of chairs for her and for whoever sees her for counselling.

***

"I don't know where to start..." Sterling begins.  
Cameron only smiles. "That's fine, start from the beginning and we'll go from there..."

***  
And so Sterling does.

Through the course of a few one hour sessions, she tells Cameron her story. The life she has with Debbie and Anderson and her sister, Blair. The house they lived in before, and the house they live in now. Chloe. Willingham. She spends some time talking about Debbie and Dana and Cameron listens patiently, never offering an opinion or judgment, only asking questions once in awhile.

"And how do you feel about that?"  
Cameron would say.

"About Debbie keeping the truth from me?"

Cameron nods.

"Angry. Confused. Betrayed. Depressed...like, why did they keep this from me? I just couldn't understand...what was wrong with them?"

Cameron nods in understanding.  
"Your feelings are valid, and they shouldn't have kept it from you."

Sterling nods. "Right? I don't...I don't understand... I had a right to know..." 

"And where's your real mother now?"

"In jail? Awaiting trial?"

"Could that be the reason they kept it from you?"

Sterling nods. "Yes."

"Do you think you'd have been able to get the good life you have right now if you'd stayed with your real mother?"

Sterling shakes her head. "No. I'd have gone to public school. I don't think I'd have been able to even think about college or the future. My mom's been good to me. Both of my parents were. Are. I don't think I can ask for better parents, really...I guess I'm pretty lucky..."

"It's a lot to unpack, definitely," Cameron says. "But it's been a good life, no?"

Sterling nods. "Yeah, it is."

And the minute Sterling says it, she realizes it is. It'll take her awhile maybe to fully accept it, and come to terms with it, but she realizes then that it is going to be okay.

***

Their next few sessions focus more on her relationship with Luke and April.  
"This year, my boyfriend and I kind of...took our relationship to the next level."

Cameron nods, asking her to go on.  
" And it was good. It felt good. But it also felt like a letdown."

Cameron smiles slightly. "First times normally never live up to the hype."

"Yeah, and there's all this pressure and we're bombarded by sex, sex, sex all the time, and, well, I figured I'd been with my boyfriend a long time, I love him, he loves me, why not get it over with?"  
When Cameron nods again to assure her she's listening, Sterling says, "So, we did, and I thought it was going to be this mindblowing, life-changing experience, but it also felt...anti-climactic? Like 'cause people have been obsessing about it for a long time, and it's made you so curious you want to try it, too, and when you do, it's just...meh? I mean, don't get me wrong, it was good, but...I don't know...I could see my life playing out before me, with my boyfriend. My sister was right."

" About what?"

" That I'd go to UGA, marry my boyfriend at 23, get pregnant at 25, get the exact same house as my mom, be exactly like my mom."

" And you didn't want that?" 

Sterling shakes her head. "I wanted something more. Something was missing. I just...I wasn't feeling it..."

"Is that when you realized you were gay?"

***

Sterling doesn't know if she'd always been gay, but she knows the exact moment it had been triggered: April, grabbing and clutching her arm, full force of her anger directed at Sterling.  
The anger had been awful, but up until then she had realized, for all the times she and April had been close, and for all the time she'd known April, April had never touched her. April always stood or sat a reasonable length away from Sterling. In fact, it seemed measured, deliberate, as if if she got nearer to Sterling she'd either combust or melt or something. Sterling had always thought it was just how April was when they'd parted in fifth grade - a memory she could barely recall had April not brought it up to her during that debate tournament. 

And then, looking back, she realized April always looked at her with a mixture of distate and something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. It felt like there was some unresolved tension between them that began in fifth grade and grew and grew over the years, culminating in April's outburst at the tournament.

April touching her had surprised her. Suddenly, she was made hyper aware of April's hand on her arm, fingers pressing on her skin. Suddenly, she's aware of the color of her eyes, the auburn of her hair, her small, even teeth, her hot breath against her face, the warmth from her body. More than that, April touching her had ignited something in her. It turned her on. It made her want April. It made her...wet.

She hadn't even realized she wanted April so much it could make her come until she'd masturbated in the janitor's closet, images of April, angry, smiling, laughing, touch on her skin, turning her on even more. 

That had surprised her, too.

And made her realize she might not be as straight as she thought she was.  
That weekend, all she could think of was April. All she could think of was coming to April's touch. She'd thought it had just been a fluke and she tried to do it again, but with Luke's face in her mind, and realized she couldn't. 

She'd lain in bed, thinking about her feelings, confused, anxious, puzzled, but also excited, feeling as if something new has been opened to her. 

Whenever she thought about April, she'd have this explosion of desire that she'd spent that first night googling whether jerking off to her sworn enemy made her gay and scrolling through numerous websites to find answers.

In the end, hundreds of websites and texts later, bleary-eyed from reading all the text, she'd realized she liked April. In every sense of the word.

***

It wasn't really hard not to like April.  
April has always been smart. She'd always been top of her class. She had extracurricular activities coming out of her ears. She was always president of some club or other. She was driven and determined and confident. She was also cunning and shrewd and did everything it took to get what she wanted.

These Sterling already knows. April was just this girl she'd known for a long time. They'd pretty much known each other their whole lives. They'd spent almost all their lives in the same room, studying, worshipping, bickering, arguing. They'd both witnessed each other go through the awkwardness of puberty, through Sterling's awkward growth spurts, hair growth, first periods, breasts and first crushes. Sterling would tell her about her crushes and which boys were cute - Luke was always at the top of her list. Looking back, Sterling realizes not once had April ever mentioned having a crush on a boy, or if she had, she'd only mention it half-heartedly. She didn't blush when boys were around, nor did she dissolve in stupidly self-conscious giggles the way the other girls did. In fact, Sterling thought April actually thought of boys, not as love interests, but as inconveniences.

"A necessity to make sure the human race lives on," April had told her in between breaks from kissing when they were still together. But for the most part, April considered boys smelly, loud, crude, rude, uncultured and beneath her. "They aren't worth my time," April had told her as she reached for her again and Sterling had grinned, not missing the fact that April had just admitted Sterling was worth it.

That day at the tournament, Sterling's eyes had been opened. April had always been just a girl to her. But that day, April was different. The fire in her eyes, the power in her grip, the curve of her lips, the grace of her neck, the way her chest heaved in anger, the blush of her cheeks...Sterling had noticed all of this. April was, finally, a woman. A woman, Sterling is pleasantly surprised to find out, that she desired. A woman who could turn her on. A woman who could make her come.

She'd spent the rest of the weekend thinking about that, wondering how this fit in with her beliefs and God and whether she'd burn in hell or not. But then she'd come across a story in the Bible: that of Ruth and Naomi and their interesting relationship. She'd read the story before. She read it again. Poured over all the articles about it. Most had agreed their relationship was powerful, and celebrated the beauty of female friendship, but half rejected that the friendship could ever be a romantic one, and the rest entertained and even accepted the idea that the two may have had an intimate, possibly physical relationship. 

She'd read the story and felt encouraged. She'd wondered why they never discussed Ruth and Naomi in Sunday school, Bible Study or worship service. Was it because the story was ambiguous and ambivalent? Was Pastor Booth, and the Sunday school teacher afraid to tackle the implications of their relationship to Atlanta's rich, largely straight, white elite? Sterling didn't know. Sterling wasn't sure. All she knew was that she liked April, a lot, and she wanted to explore her feelings for her more.

***

"So, you weren't exactly torn between your Christian beliefs and your desire for another woman?"Cameron asks.

Sterling shakes her head. "No, not really. I figured, feelings are feelings and the Bible says God is love, why should I be ashamed of a feeling God wants me to feel?"

***

Sterling had always been the positive twin. The twin who always looked on the bright side. The twin who always looked at life as a glass-is-half-full kind of life, the twin who welcomed changes and challenges wholeheartedly, embracing them with the openness of a person who didn't seem to have grown up a Christian. 

And she'd always been Christian. For as long as she could remember she and Blair and their parents had attended church. Pastor Booth had always been this permanent fixture in their lives. She knew the Bible from the inside out and could quote from it as easily as the next Christian teen. But she'd long known there were inconsistencies in the Bible even her Sunday School teacher could not answer: like how the basic timeline of Christ's birth and death didn't make sense, or how Easter bunnies are connected to Easter, or how people could live longer, or predestination and heaven and hell and whether they really existed or not. She was an inquisitive Christian and she realized later on, that adults didn't like it when youngsters asked questions about the Bible.

And so, she'd accepted her attraction to April as a positive, something she shouldn't run away from, something she should confront and explore.

***

Seeing April after the debate tournament had confirmed something for her when she felt her heart start pounding really fast she thought maybe April could hear. And then she felt the blush crawl up her chest, all the way to her ears and her cheeks, felt her hands go all clammy, felt her knees go weak, felt like a million butterflies take off at the pit of her chest, felt like her breath had been knocked out of her she knew, uequivocally, that she liked April. And that it was a serious feeling. She hadn't felt this, not even for Luke, and the full force of it hit her, when April had sat beside her and Sterling thought she might faint. It felt like her senses were on overdrive, could not focus with how near April was, so near she could smell her, feel her body heat. And when April leans over, Sterling feels her breath quicken, and she's glad for how oblivious April was.

The other thing she realizes: how she suddenly feels shy around April, unable to look her in the eye for a time, feeling her cheeks burn whenever April looks her way, feeling tongue-tied around her.  
Then Ellen, bless her heart, comes up with the Biblical Buildings project, and Sterling sees an opening, offers to do the project with April when Ezequiel and Hannah B. turn down April's offer. She's surprised when April says yes, and even more surprised when April shows up in tight jeans and a low cut blouse, hair neatly pulled back, graceful neck and cleavage in full display, cross gently caressing her chest, earrings enhancing the curve of her ears. And Sterling has to exert effort not to stare at her, or her body, or go off and daydream about what it would feel like to have her hands around April, fingers trailing her skin or her lips on her throat or on her neck and then she blushes because she feels the desire flare up within her at the thought of even kissing April.

Sterling realizes she can't seem to start a decent conversation around April - and only ends up complimenting her about how good she is with the saw, and how smart she is, and she could kick herself, sounding so idiotic infront of the other girl. 

But she doesn't mind, even when April is giving her a puzzled, perplexed look, when she brings up Ruth and Naomi and her dislike of Paul, April's pretty face staring at her, cute eyebrows knit in confusion. "I'm sorry, what are you saying?" April asks, leaning back, relaxed and confused at Sterling's tirade and Sterling tries to explain but with April gazing intently at her, Sterling's voice trails off.

April had always been closed off and it had always been hard to read her. She was always either intense or really intense, with a side of angry rage monster, so that day, when Sterling couldn't keep it in any longer and grabs her face and kisses her, Sterling had braced herself for the blowback. April was going to destroy her. She knew it. She'd locked the office to make sure Sterling would never escape, and Sterling was sure she was never going out of Ellen's office alive.

But April, instead of killing her, had kissed her back. And that surprised Sterling even more.

She could never forget that first kiss. April's lips were soft, unlike Luke's. She was gentle and careful and yet, Sterling could feel like April wanted to say something with the kiss that she could not say with words. She kissed her as if she'd wanted to do it for a long time, she'd kissed Sterling with so much want and also so much tenderness Sterling feels breathless with desire. And April's hands go to Sterling's waist, pull her closer, and she could feel the heat and desire and Sterling feels like a new day has come.

***

April surprises her with how matter-of-factly she comes out to Sterling and admits she's gay and how she'd known for a time now. Sterling hadn't been so sure up until then about her own feelings, but she knew she liked April, and when April had tenderly placed her palm on Sterling's cheek, Sterling couldn't deny her feelings any longer. And then she finds herself kissing April in the dark and she realizes there isn't anything else she'd rather be doing or anyone else she'd rather be with, than April. That surprises her, too.

The first few days had been wonderful.  
April had surprised her. She'd text her first thing in the morning. Text her before she slept. Asked her if she'd had breakfast or lunch or dinner, would ask her about her day. There's a surprising tenderness in April Sterling finds herself easily responding, too. 

A part of Sterling thinks it's too good to be true.

And a part of her is still thinking about her role in sending April's father to jail.  
She knew it was only matter of time before the other shoe dropped.

***

"It was my fault really, " Sterling admits now. "I don't know what came over me, why I wanted to come out, why I wanted her to come out. It was stupid really."

Cameron shakes her head. "Would you have done any differently?"

Sterling shrugs. "I dunno. Maybe. I shouldn't have pushed her. I should've just let it go. We're Christians, for crying out loud! What was I thinking?!? We'd have gotten expelled! Every year we signed a faith statement that said we shouldn't live immoral lives and that we would be expelled for sexual immorality or...or homosexuality. I shouldn't have..."

"Hey, hey, take it easy," Cameron says. "Breathe." As Sterling does so, Cameron gently says, "You're allowed to forgive yourself, you know."

Like April was allowed to change her mind. Sterling closes her eyes, kneads her forehead. And I'm allowed to forgive myself, she thinks. 

"You think if you hadn't pushed her, you'd still be together?" Cameron asks her.

Sterling shrugs, feeling the tears threatening to fall. "Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know."

Cameron slowly nods. "Or she'd have broken up with you anyway. Sexuality and identity are two very complex things. Put that in a sixteen year old body with raging hormones and all the shit that comes with it and it's going to be hell. It's a wonder you both got to the point where you were even able to acknowledge your attraction to each other. While you're in a Christian school. That's amazing. And brave."

Sterling nods, wiping the tears in her eyes now. 

"Look, your...ex has her reasons for breaking it off with you. You're both sixteen and still living at home. And you mentioned her father was a hateful bigot. If she primarily relies on them and fears all that support will be taken away if she comes out, then she's also allowed to protect herself. You tell me your parents are nothing like hers, and still your parents have refused to talk to you for, how long has it been?"

"A few days," Sterling says, feels the lump in her throat. Cameron pushes a box of Kleenex towards her without losing a beat.

"If Christian parents as good as yours react like that, what more her kind of parents?"

Sterling nods. " Yeah. I guess." 

Cameron smiles. "Everybody's coming out story is different. Everyone's version is different. There's yours, there's hers, there's mine, there's everything else..."

"Was...was it the same for you?" Sterling asks. 

Cameron nods. "Worse. I got kicked out by my parents. I was homeless for awhile. Some nice people took me in for awhile. It was tough but I survived. I wouldn't wish it on anyone though. That's why I started this group for kids. So no kid has to go through what I've been through..."

Sterling nods. " Thank you. I...I don't know how to thank you..."

Cameron waves a hand dismissively. "You can pay it forward, if you want. I always need volunteers to help out. And there's always some thing that needs a few more hands. Whatever makes you comfortable. I don't want you to do anything you feel uncomfortable with. This is a safe space for any kid who just wants to get away from it all."

" Yeah?"

" Sure," Cameron says with a grin. "The world may be shit but there are places where it isn't. Just know you don't have to go through it alone."

Sterling smiles through her tears, wiping her eyes with the Kleenex.

"In fact, there's a guy here that goes to Willingham that might just help."

Just then, there's a knock on the door, Cameron calls out, "Come in!" a familiar face, in thick eye liner and wax and gel and Goth get up comes in.

"Draven?" Sterling asks then.

"Wesley?"

***

And that's how Sterling starts to volunteer at the youth center, with Draven. Draven had been with her at the debate tournament and she'd attempted to join their clique at school before, when she'd had to leave fellowship, and backed out at the last minute.

Draven doesn't ask questions or bother her when he sees her, only accepts her presence, as if she's always been there.  
She stops going to fellowship altogether, turns down Bible Study and the Worship Service Group, and after going over a number of extra curricular activities, she decides on theater.

***

"Do you even have theater experience?" Kirk, one of the theater kids, ask her in the theater. 

Draven, who is also part of the group, rolls his eyes. "Cut it out, Kirk. She'd be a good addition to the group since the last stage manager walked out on you. We can't afford another screw up like last time and I'm almost pretty sure she'll be fine."

Sterling looks at him gratefully. Draven nods in acknowledgement.

So the weeks pass, she visits Cameron, volunteers at the center, and though she cannot look at April without a stab of pain twisting in her gut, she at least could survive school without crying at the sight of April.

The silence at home, her mother's silent treatment of her gradually eases, though she still cannot look at Sterling and Sterling feels that that's even more painful: her mother's rejection of her.

***

"You should start dating again," Blair says, once, on their way home. 

It had been weeks since she'd come out. Weeks since she'd found out she was adopted. Weeks since the break-up with April. She'd successfully avoided interacting with her at school. Hadn't gone to fellowship in weeks. Avoided looking at her in church.

"What?"

"Date. Again," Blair repeats.

Sterling makes a face. "I don't know. I don't think I'm ready. I'm barely over April. And I think I jumped into that too quickly, in retrospect. I should've, you know, allowed myself some time to breathe, just, enjoy being single...and stuff."

Blair thinks about this and nods her head. "Yeah, you're probably right," she finally says. "Although, like, you've always had a relationship since, like, fifth grade, who would you be without...Luke? Or April?"

"Harsh," Sterling says, "But yeah, I guess I need to press pause on my relationship status for now..."

"Although...how's the sex situation going to be though?"

Sterling makes a face. "Dunno. She shrugs. "I'll figure something out. Maybe it's time to take out the old vibrator you gave me."

Blair grins. "Now, we're talking." After awhile, she asks, "So, did you actually even get the chance to sleep with April?"

Sterling makes a face. "No."

Blair side eyes her. "Really? Not even, like second or third base?"

"Well..."

"You know what, never mind, do I want details about you and April? No, no I do not," Blair says quickly.

Sterling grins.

"You know what I think though?" Blair says.

"What?"

"I totally think you're not going to last a month without sex," Blair says.

Sterling raises an eyebrow. "You wanna bet?"

"Forty days," Blair says. "Just like in the Bible."

Sterling grins. "You're on."

They ride in silence for awhile, before Blair says, concern on her face, "But seriously, how are you holding up?"

"I'm...good...I guess...not as good as I want to be...but I'm getting there..."

"And how are you with the mom situation?"

Sterling shrugs. "She still isn't talking to me...but hey, she hasn't kicked me out yet, so I count that as a win."

"Yeah, mom's cold exterior is hard to penetrate..."

"Not the word I would choose, but yeah," Sterling says.

"Penetrate," Blair giggles. "Penetrate!"  
Sterling grins. 

Blair grins back and says, "You know what's a weird word?" When Sterling nods for her to go on, Blair says, with a half-laugh, "Moist."

Sterling laughs. "Good one. Oooh, I've got one."

"What?"

"Come."

Blair pauses, thinks about it and laughs. "Oh, yeah, totally! I can't keep a straight face whenever someone mentions the 'Second Coming.'"

Sterling nods and laughs. "Here's another one, homecoming. "

"Oh my god, yes!" Blair says. "Speaking of, are you going? I mean, I don't have a date now, I thought Miles was going to take me, but I'm eyeing Chase Colton now...I have to go, everyone in Lax are required."

"I don't know. I think I'm just going to skip homecoming, I don't have a date either," Sterling says.

"I'd like to say let's go together, but our lives are pathetic enough as it is," Blair says. "Maybe we should just run away and be bounty hunters or spies or something."

" Don't you need to have a degree for that?"

" Whatever," Blair says. "Hey, Sterl, if you had to have like a spy name, what would it be? Mine would be something like...Amber Valentine."

"That sounds like a porn name."

Blair glares at her. "Whatever. It's a good name. You can be...Cherry Poppins. Or Muffin Muncher."

Sterling makes a face. " Eeww. No. Couldn't you come up with a more made-up name?" 

"All words are made up," Blair points out before she takes her phone out and starts scrolling through her newsfeed.  
Sterling makes a turn and Blair mutters "Home sweet home" but then Sterling brakes so suddenly Blair's body jerks forward then back. 

"What the fuck, Sterl! You..." But then her voice dies in her throat as she follows where Sterling is looking at. "Oh," is all Blair can say.

There, standing by their immaculately manicured lawn, is April Stevens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's tough to do justice to this show, it's so well-written, and the balance of humor and drama is pretty impressive. But wanted to focus more on Sterling and April and the teenage part of it rather than the bounty hunting, so. Anyway, hope you enjoyed. Cheers!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Like it? Want it to continue? Leave your kudos and comments. Thanks!


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